David Yamane

“Pulling the Trigger Certainly Seems to Hold a Different Weight Now” (Fall 2023 Student Range Visit Reflection #8)

This is the eighth of many student gun range field trip reflection essays from my fall 2023 Sociology of Guns seminar (see Reflection #1, Reflection #2, Reflection #3, Reflection #4, Reflection #5, Reflection #6, and Reflection #7). The assignment to which students are responding can be found here. I am grateful to these students for their willingness to have their thoughts shared publicly.

Sociology of Guns student at range, Fall 2023. Photo by David Yamane

By Meg Wong

Pulling the trigger certainly seems to hold a different weight now.

As someone who has trained in jiu jitsu for twelve years, the defensive art taught us how to protect ourselves from the impact of a bullet. We held real guns, void of any bullets, but full with the threat of the question that constantly loomed over my own head: what if someone put a bullet in there? The weight of holding that gun alone felt like a threat to my safety, as well as my partner’s. We were told to pull the trigger so our partners could gauge the time it would take to avoid the bullet, but I hesitated time and time again.

That hesitation was what brought me to a crossroads one year ago, when I was registered for this very course. As I tackled the idea of having my first class at the gun range, it was clear that I was not mentally prepared to hold that gun or pull that trigger. After a series of conversations with family and friends, a mix of those who have shot a gun and those who have not, I concluded that I would not be able to muster up the courage to attend class.

I am not quite sure where I found the courage to register once more, or to put my name down on the sign-up sheet, or to attend the field trip, much less shoot a gun, or three. But there I was, with the first loaded gun in my hand, entirely blank on the training video I had repeatedly watched prior to the trip. But I could not let my mind slip, it was critical that I was focused and in control. I pulled the trigger back and … nothing. I hesitated. I could feel this thick cloud in my brain that prevented me from pulling the trigger. I suppose it was my personal boundaries or that I held a weapon in my hand that, with the commitment to pull the trigger, could even take a life.

Dr. Yamane shared that the trigger had a bit more resistance, and we went through the motions of pushing back against the kickback I’d experience. This time, I felt a bit more prepared for what I was about to experience. I had to commit, not only to the pulling of the trigger, but to the trust in myself that I would shoot in the right direction. And shoot I did.

The next two guns were far easier to physically shoot, with less resistance on the trigger. Particularly with the AR style weapon, I felt the distance between myself and the target to be troubling. I could understand how someone could feel disassociated from the reality of shooting and the potential of taking a life. Given the distance and use of the sighting device, someone could easily discard the gravity of shooting.

One question from my brother-in-law highlighted something I had been struggling with for some time. Could you see how for some people, this could be a source of excitement, or even something someone would crave? Crave is a dangerous word. I could see someone cultivating such a feeling, the exhilaration of pulling a trigger, of having such power. I could also see someone turn to it to protect themselves, their household, and their people. I wonder if folks have a cloud in their brain that I did. Do most people have the pull in their heart that asks them if this is right?

A friend asked, is it as scary, now that you’ve shot one? My answer: scarier. Without that cloud that had me pause before, I began fearful that someone with a different moral code may navigate that haze much differently than I. I recognize myself as someone who does not seek holding this power, but I can undoubtedly understand someone’s draw to a gun as it offers such. Growing up with active shooter lockdowns and empty guns to train with, I was always fearful of the presence of guns. Now knowing the simplicity to it, I am a bit more fearful.

10 comments

  2. Congratulations to Meg on finding the strength to go through with the range trip given her concerns. That first time at the range can be overwhelming for anyone, as they try to remember all their safety training while holding a loaded firearm for the first time. It sounds like she did great. I hope she’ll discover through the class that the number of people who choose to use firearms to protect themselves and their families (and hunting, and competition, and all the other uses) far outweighs the number of people who use them for bad purposes.

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    • Great last point. We easily lose sight that there very many more good uses than bad uses of firearms.
      It is a challenge to ensure our mainstream and social media don’t overwhelm us with the bad uses.

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  5. Interesting micro-examination of actual hoplophobia here, obviously encouraged and pushed into Meg’s life through teachers and authority figures (for as I’ve repeatedly stressed, the goal of school active shooter drills is not safety, it’s trauma). Do they wonder and care about the damage they’ve done in pursuit of a political goal?

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  6. As the essays posted over the years have shown, the range day is each student’s personal koan that spurs reflection, introspection and, hopefully, the curiosity to revisit preconceptions. For Ms. Wong, that process may begin with an examination of the “cloud in [her] brain” that left her “mentally unprepared” to pull the trigger (perhaps figuratively as well.)

    It was very perceptive of Ms. Wong to recognize her finger’s inaction as the physical manifestation of her mind coming up against a “personal boundary” against the taking of another human’s life. She can see “someone turn to [a gun] to protect themselves, their household, and their people” — but not herself ever? This visceral experience could serve as a springboard for Ms. Wong to explore whether much of gun control sentiment is actually rooted in inchoate pacifism and a moral shift away from Ecclesiastes 3:3.

    One slight admonition: Ms. Wong seems to assume that gun owners, unlike her, do not engage in ethical reflection. They possess a “different moral code” and lack a “pull in their heart[s]”, placing them in a “haze,” “disassociated” from the target and blithe to the “gravity of shooting.” A cursory review of self-defense training, including our friend, John Correia’s, mantra of always being “good, sane, sober, moral, prudent citizens,” might prove illuminating in this regard.

    I’m intrigued by some of Ms. Wong’s choice of words, and what they signify to her. Initially, she found herself at “a crossroads”, unable to “muster the courage” to enroll. One “commits” to pulling the trigger. She fears she will succumb to a “dangerous crav[ing]” for the “excitement” and “exhilaration” of shooting. Others are “drawn” to “such power” of a gun, a power she herself does not seek to hold. I can’t help but juxtapose this last statement with the “empower bodies” slogan on the t-shirt in the photo.

    I make these observations neither to disparage, nor to promote gun ownership, but to encourage Ms. Wong to be cognizant of the lens — and all of us, sociologists included, have one — through which she views this subject.

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